So. I went to one of the free counselors at school yesterday to talk about my own personal insanity. It was a screener session, so she couldn’t give me a diagnosis and all she was really able to do was refer me to other head doctors.

So. She thinks I might be bipolar and recommended I start seeing a therapist outside of Tuttleman.

How do I feel about this?

A. That’s hilarious.

No, really, I think it’s kinda funny. Granted, this doesn’t lend a whole lot of legitimacy to the idea that I *don’t* have some pretty decent mental/emotional issues. But whatev. You don’t understand how I process a lot of shit and how often I think things that aren’t funny really are.

B. Well, this explains a lot.

For example, a dear friend of mine was diagnosed as Bipolar II a few months ago. I saw nothing wrong with the way he would react to a lot of situations. Go figure, considering that I also have erratic mood swings and this is a strong possibility. It’s no wonder that I would think keying someone’s car is a rational response to simply not liking someone. (Not saying that the dislike wasn’t warranted, but still. That’s a little extreme.) I’ve always encouraged his behavior during manic episodes and, again, saw nothing wrong with the way he would act and react to a lot of things. It hasn’t been until recently that I’ve realized I would defend actions that weren’t rational and that he wouldn’t act super rational a lot of the time.

It also explains how I often go from happy and joking to ready to kill someone in a matter of seconds. It explains why, all of a sudden, I will get jittery and wired for no reason and start rambling for what seems like forever. It explains why, when talking to people, I look at them like they’re high because they simply aren’t grasping the point I’m driving at. It explains why I can’t pinpoint what led up to me simply not being depressed anymore during certain periods in time.

C. It hasn’t really hit.

I think when it hits, it will be “ohhhhhh crap.” In all honesty, it’s not the end of the world. If I talk to a shrink and s/he tells me that’s the case, I’ll simply get on a med regiment and go to therapy. No big deal, especially since I can get free therapy at school.

D. YES! SOMETHING THAT IS ADA COVERED!

OMG you don’t know how exciting that part is! And you don’t know how much weight and pressure that relieves. There’s something good about HW!

So, I’ve decided to be really honest about all of this, partially because I don’t really give a shit if everyone knows and also because I think even one person’s honesty about mental & emotional issues helps make it visible. And if it’s visible, it’s harder to dismiss and harder to keep stigmatizing.

In my quest to learn more, I have been reading a shitload of BPII. Today’s search took me to the Bipolar Disorder forum on HealthBoards.com. And, I’m just sayin, it was actually pretty helpful, especially posts on the inability to hold a job and feeling like you might go into a murderous rage at any second. So this isn’t the worst thing in the world.

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