Juno, AKA: 90 minutes of my life I will never get back.

By | May 15, 2008

Oh good God. Why haven’t I learned by now that over-hyped crappy “indie” films with even crappier pretentious soundtracks will tempt me to hunt down everyone involved with said film and kick their asses?

Flaws with Juno:

  1. No lawyer in their right mind would think it was appropriate for a client to suggest buying a baby.
  2. Speaking from my experiences alone, most adoptive couples will have an agency handle everything rather than have a lawyer draw up the paperwork. An agency will protect both the a-parents & b-parents*.
  3. Could Juno be depicted as anymore of a little cunt? Seriously? The character had absolutely no depth and treated her pregnancy as merely an inconvenience; even if the goal was to present her as a tough-as-nails pragmatic teen who was making the best of the situation, trust me, she’d still be a bit emotional at points. This is even if she knew it was the all-around best solution. For fuck’s sake, adoption isn’t like returning a pair of shoes to Payless!
  4. The crappy “domineering wife/man-child husband” formula. I refuse to enjoy any “indie film” that uses this tired old premise. (See also: King of Queens or Saving Silverman. Or, really, don’t. They’re both terrible.)
  5. On a related note, Michael Cera, for the love of God….was this supposed to be “George Michael Bluth knocks up a girl?”
  6. On another related note, Michael Cera, stop doing projects with Jason Bateman. I realize that you need to cling to him because Bateman can actually…you know…ACT, but dude, Arrested Development was canceled.
  7. HOLY PRODUCT PLACEMENT, BATMAN! For some reason, I have no idea why, I am just super duper craving Sunny D and orange Tic Tacs!
  8. Um, the “happy ending”? Please. (Although I will say that framing the note Juno left for Vanessa was quite sweet.) Yeah, because it’s so super plausible that a) Juno and Bleaker would have actually together and b) that it would actually last.
  9. Speaking of Vanessa….thank you, thank you, thank you for also hinging on the stereotypical Baby Crazy mid/late-30s wife. Who is also domineering. Who also stripped her husband of all self-identity.
  10. But hey, it’s cool, because as this IMDB reviewer points out, “two teenagers will always be worse at raising their own kid than an emotionally unstable, newly single, rich [white] woman”. Yeah, I think that review hits the mark.
  11. I almost retched my brains out when Juno decides to have the baby. But it’s cool, because supposedly Ellen Page and Diablo Cody are both super duperrifficly pro-choice! OMG! THAT MAKES THAT SCENE TOTALLY NOT STUPID, IMPLAUSIBLE OR INSULTING TO WOMEN! But hey, thanks for depicting women who “choose life” as stupid bints who haven’t given their decision any thought whatsoever. Or, you could just re-read point #3.
  12. The description of open adoption was completely inaccurate. Yes, it allows you to have open contact between the a-parents & b-parents, but you don’t have to be super involved. Actually, it really just allows the LEGAL OPTION. I have not had contact with my birthson’s adoptive family since 1999, when I gave him up.
  13. Furthermore, NO ADOPTION AGENCY OR LAWYER IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD CUT THE BIRTH FATHER OUT OF THE EQUATION! They will make every attempt to contact him and will have him sign over his parental rights (which is the final step in adoption, as far as the b-parents are concerned). Obviously, there are cases of unknown b-dads, b-dads who skip town, b-dads who die, etc. However, if the b-dad is known, the agency/lawyer CANNOT TAKE THE RISK THAT THE B-DAD WILL RETURN AND CONTEST THE ADOPTION. From how it was described to me, if a woman cuts the b-dad out of the equation and he later finds out that she adopted out their child, he can then contest the adoption and will typically receive custody of the child. Even if he does not receive custody, no adoptive family will want to go through that hell. COME ON NOW.
  14. It simply wasn’t funny. I laughed maybe 4 times throughout the whole thing, and it was more of me snickering than anything else.

For a film that touted itself as an honest, humorous look at unplanned pregnancy, this shit fell flat. So flat. If you actually want a real depiction of adoption, you can either ask me or read The Girls Who Went Away. Although it’s set in the 50s & 60s, the book captures a lot of the emotional garbage that you go through if you experience an adoption.

Well, unless you’re a pretentious teenager who gets knocked up by Michael Cera. If that’s the case, dig out your best flippant responses and stock up on Sunny D!

* Adoptive parents & birthparents.

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  • http://4eyedgirlsmakemecry.blogspot.com Jeff

    I think 3 is a little harsh. At first I watched the movie and loved her for these qualities cause it was cute. But I watched it a second time and saw tears in her eyes every time she talked to Bleeker. She loved him the whole time and it was actually portrayed really well. Not every thing is noticeable the first time, although I don't think you should watch it a second…. also movies are not accurate representations of life, they are just nice things to help us enjoy our day… or find a reason to take that boy you like on a date…

  • http://www.drunkenatheist.com drunkenatheist

    I found the character of Juno offensive both as a feminist and as a birthmother.

    First, I couldn’t give less of a shit about what happened to her. Even in The Life of David Gale (which I thought was horribly overrated and made me want to slit my wrists, as the moral of the story seemed to be: “left-wingers are whackjobs who will con normal middle Americans into supporting their zany academic ideas”), I still CARED about what happened to the characters.

    Second, that’s great that she loved him the whole time, but she a) didn’t even bother to have him involved with the process and b) only seemed to care about the pregnancy on the level of getting together with the boy. Realistically, she would have had at least some attachment to that kid – no matter how much of a hardass as she was – and she would have probably felt some resentment towards him regardless of how realistic that was.

    Third, the attitude she took towards her pregnancy just made me want to reach into the DVD player and smack her silly. The juxtaposition between “selfless act” (the adoption) and “selfish girl” is so trite. You get the “OMG YOU ARE SOOOO NOT SELFISH” crap a lot when you give up a kid and no one wants to listen to your reasons; then you beat yourself up because all you want to do is put it behind you and forget, making you feel like the most selfish bitch in the world. The way the character was written makes me want to ask Diablo Cody if she really thinks this is how birthmothers feel during their pregnancies. This is the first movies I can think of that tried to show this kind of hip, eccentric, totally different depiction of adoption, and instead, it delivered an completely unrealistic, one-dimensional look at unplanned pregnancy.

    I understand that, in many respects, adoption is thought of as an outdated choice. Hell, it really is a pretty outdated choice. But I think that if this was a film about abortion, the pro-choice movement would be all wound up in denouncing it as a bunch of anti-choice crap.

    You have to understand that this is very touchy for me because I’ve dealt with shit from people on both sides. I can suspend my disbelief for only so long when I’m watching a film. I mean, hell, you’re talking to someone who sweats zombie movies like they’re going out of style! I just get really aggravated when a film has either one huge, plot destroying flaw or is riddled with little flaws.

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