This story was brought to my attention by a Facebook friend, who posted the link earlier today. While it certainly sucks to have been scammed out of thousands of dollars, I have one big question: how fucking stupid are you?

Seriously, the first page of the article contains this passage:

Bobby started making the trip from New Brunswick, N.J., to Brooklyn every weekend. She told him she worked for GoldenVoice and gave him one of her business cards. She had an ATM card, Bobby recalled, but it never seemed to work; she could only get cash out of it, not use it as a debit card, and, she told him, it only worked at this one bodega near her apartment. So she would borrow money and promise to pay it back.

Soon she told him she was afraid she was pregnant. “She told me she took six tests—three were positive, three were negative,” Bobby said. “I told her to go to a gynecologist, get a real pregnancy test, and we’ll move forward from there.” She stopped bringing it up.

When Bobby had been seeing Ms. Ferrell for about six weeks, one of her friends told him that Ms. Ferrell was dying of cancer. When he confronted her, Bobby said she told him “the sob story—‘I’m estranged from my parents, I don’t know who my birth parents are, my adoptive parents are abusive.’ It never occurred to me that it would be odd that someone who’s dying of cancer, who has three months to live, would just move from Salt Lake City to Brooklyn.”

It later goes onto state that the chick said that her cancer didn’t always pop up on ER screenings and that she was spotted partying and smoking pot when she supposedly only had 3 months left to live. Oh, the cancer she supposedly had? Lung cancer. And these hipster idiots still believed her. Insert extreme lulz here.

I think I’m supposed to feel sympathy for the people who got scammed, but I’m not so sure why. Why is it that, if I’ve been raped, I was totally asking for it, but these fucking idiot Asiaphile hipster/straight edge douchebags got too googly-eyed to notice what a flirty, marginally attractive, tattooed Korean chick was pulling on them…and somehow, I’m supposed to weep big, fat crocodile tears for them? Come on dawg, the only way I could feel less sympathy for them is if her initial meetings with them followed this script:

My beloved,

It is my pleasure to contact you for a business venture which I intend to establish in your country.Though I have not met with you before but I believe, one has to risk confiding in someone to succeed sometimes in life.

There is this amount of FIFTEEN Million US Dollars which my Father deposited with a security company which he wanted to used for his political ambition in our Country before he was kidnapped and killed by unknown gun men. Hence my father and mother is dead, I do not have any other hope rather than this funds which is why I contacted you.

Now I have decided to invest these money in your country or any where safe enough outside Africa for security and political reasons. I only give all praises to God who made every thing to be like this, my father is gone, I can count you as my father if you wish to be a Daddy to me.

Hence this investment shall be made in your company upon your withdrawal of the consignment, I do not have money to work on this and will commit suicide and die if I cannot secure my late father’s treasure which he got for his family.

I want you to help us claim and receive the consignment which will be sent to you through diplomatic means to your address to avoid any traces of the funds and to enable you plan for the investment in your Country.

I will like to invest part of the money into these three investment in your Country but, if there is any other business that is better than my suggestion, I will be very glad to follow your advice.

1). Real estate
2). The transport industry
3). Five star hotel

If you can be of an assistance to me, I will be pleased to offer to you 20% Of the total fund while the balance will be invested by you. I need your understanding and honesty to this project, I assure you to always be your brother.

I await your soonest response.

Respectfully yours,

Miss Kari Ferrell

Seriously, how hard is it to develop an ingrained Bullshit Detector? According to the article, this chick may be in Philly. I guess I will have to truck down to BuffEx and get some hideously hipster-tastic clothing so I might be able to meet her. If nothing else, I’d like to advise her that Namibia is a fantastic destination country for white collar felons.

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