Why yes, I did just find an excuse to post “Support System” by Liz Phair.

Man, oh man, have I got something to say!

In my head, I see several connections between support systems, politics and a diseased social circle.  Another theme that keeps popping up is that the support systems, politics, and unhealthy social circles work together and reflect a microcosm of society; this is especially true in light of my new-found libertarianism and my old school feminism.  Personally, my biggest concern is the negative impact that a non-existent support system can have on people within the social circle and the implications it has for community building.  When your political circle and social circle are essentially one and the same, what happens when there is a lack of adequate support in either of them?  What are the implications in general, and does this stunt individual growth or growth of the group?

I know, I know.  I’ve probably bitten off a lot more than I can chew and these intertwined issues must be unpacked over the course of several posts so I don’t risk venturing into tl;dr territory.

As I’ve mentioned in the past, a large problem I have with my former social group is that issues are never actually resolved.  For example, my female (ex) roommate gave me a ton of problems during my move-out, including writing “self-respect” on one of my boxes (or at least condoning this act), lying to Libertarian Boyfriend and me, and just generally attempting to make my life miserable.  My last (indirect) contact with her was in late April; prior to that, I hadn’t directly contacted her in any way since late February.  About two months later (in June), I was tabling at Philly Pride with the Philly LP party; I ran into quite a few people I knew there, including a small group that included her.  She came up, said “hi.”  I ignored her.  She said “hi” again and followed with a “DRUNKENATHEIST I SAID HI!”  I responded with a very brusque “hello” because I felt I had made it pretty clear that I was ignoring her.  She stormed off and I can guarantee that she announced to our mutual friends that she “tried” to make things right with me again.  (For the purposes of full disclosure: no, I don’t know if she had intended to work things out if I had been more cordial towards here.  I’m simply judging from her lack of followup and my hunch that history is simply repeating itself here.)

For comparative purposes, let’s look at a separate example.  I had a falling out with another friend right about a year ago; to make a long story short, out of nowhere, this friend began to distance himself from me and he and his boyfriend were trashing me with biased info from my ex-girlfriend.  Given that we had sat down and had discussions about similar issues, I publicly disclosed some personal info on a now-defunct college gossip website.  It was shitty.  I never claimed that it was a nice thing to do and I always knew that my action would effectively end my friendships with the couple.  Earlier this year, in the interest of just making peace and moving on, I sent out a long, well-written, well-thought out apology to the former friend.  I’ve never received a response from him.

I would be confused if these scenarios hadn’t played out many times within this social circle.  The first scenario is often viewed as a perfectly acceptable way of working out your differences, but the second is seemingly viewed as “stirring up old drama.”  Once I sat down and really looked at all the interwoven issues within the group and – again – the bigger implications for community and political building, everything made complete sense.

Starting with the first example, the problem isn’t that Former Roommate (FR) spoke to me.  My problem lies with the idea that our falling out – which was caused by an all-around shitty situation – is supposed to be swept under the rug because she acknowledged me.  I understand that FR may have been acting on an impulse when she approached me, and although I’ll bet a lot of money that she didn’t think the whole thing through, it’s still indicative of a much larger issue.  Likewise, if the former friend in the second example didn’t want to accept my apology, that’s fine; if he had given me a “fuck off,” that would be one thing.  Though many people would have supported him in giving me that response, it’s interesting that he would choose silence.  In all fairness, he could very well have filtered my email address to his trash a long time ago.  I haven’t tossed out that possibility; once again, though, judging from this greater group’s history, it’s highly unlikely that my email was filtered.

Regardless, speculating about the theories and possibilities behind their individual behaviors isn’t the point; really, even if I could tell you what exactly was going through their heads, it wouldn’t change much anyway.  What I can tell you is that both of these incidences point to one prevalent idea within the group: not rocking the boat is of the utmost importance (with some exceptions, of course).  I’m the one in the wrong in both situations: in the first, because I dared to not welcome FR with open arms; in the second, because I dared to try to make things right by apologizing months after the fact.  In both situations, my unwillingness to act is if nothing had happened is somehow misinterpreted as a desire to “cause drama.”

I have never been a believer in the “do not make waves” mentality, as I don’t see how it facilitates strong or healthy relationships within any social or political circle.  I’m also not comfortable with the dynamic it establishes, wherein conformity is more highly valued than individual thoughts, ideas, or opinions; it isn’t that far of a leap to start viewing a difference of opinion as a threat to the relative peace within the social circle, which is an attitude I have experienced firsthand.  Furthermore, there is an implication that those not subscribing to the thoughts, ideas, opinions, or values of the majority should be penalized.  The result is that any dissent is automatically stifled and the dissenter(s) think before speaking hir mind in the future.

This mentality is dangerous and problematic on both the individual (micro) and societal (macro) levels.  From my vantage point, this resistance to alternative perspectives is more than just an issue of someone feeling slighted.  It has some pretty damaging results on the individuals it is imposed upon; hell, much of what I’ve been talking about here is – literally – cult-like.  From first hand experience, it’s difficult to segue back into any sort of supportive social or political circle when your former social and political circles weren’t very supportive.

It works to destroy any possibility of forming a support system within local communities, let alone forming a healthy, strong-knit community of any sort.  By “healthy” and “strong-knit,” I am referring to ones where differences can be heard and ideas can be challenged; these are the ways our communities become stronger and our activism becomes more meaningful.  Such a heavy emphasis on conformity prohibits most – if not all – growth in general, let alone in our political ideas.  If we really want to hope for any sort of change, then we need to see this growth and nuance reflected in our discussions; that only comes from listening to and exposing ourselves to real life problems, different solutions to our problems, and different perspectives.  Otherwise, we’re only breeding intellectual bonsai trees. What – individual or societal – good comes from intentionally stunting our growth?

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