Let’s be clear about a few things:

1. The majority of the bicyclists I have seen drive like dickheads.
2. The majority of car drivers I have seen drive like dickheads.
3. The bicyclists are kind of screwed because they risk a $250 fine* for biking on the pavement or risk getting planted into parked cars for biking on most of the roads here.

With all that being said, I think it’s pretty obvious that this is another way to screw the poor in this city.  Yeah, a lot of dickheaded bike riders, especially down in South Philly, are asshole yuppie fucks who think they are enlightening the city dwellers by showing them omg! new green initiatives! instead of taking poor people transportation (aka Septa).

But you know, there are a lot of places that Septa either doesn’t run, or is unreliable at best.  And, honestly, given how sucky the job market is within city limits, a lot of people are being forced to cut costs.  That $2.90 round trip might not seem like much, but that adds up to $58 a month if you’re lucky enough to be working 5 days a week, which could translate into 7 hours of work if you’re unlucky enough to only be making $8 an hour.**  I totally understand why someone might not want to shell out that much money a month just to get to work.  (Of course, this does not account for things like going to the grocery store, or God forbid, going out to grab something quick for dinner or possibly even – gasp! – an overpriced six pack to drown away your sorrows about only making $8/hour.  I know, I know, the working poor should never ever ever spend their money on anything frivolous.  They should be forever punished and never allowed to spend a little bit of their hard earned cash on something that isn’t a necessity.)

Anyway, I’m digressing.  The point is that these additional proposed laws are completely idiotic.  The proposed fines will jump to $300 for riding on the sidewalk, $300 for riding with headphones, $1000 (!!!) for riding without brakes, and will introduce a new licensing system for bicycles which will include a $20 fee for registering your bike.  (I’m willing to bet that, like with car registration, this fee will be an annual fee and not a one-time shot.)  Does anyone really think it’s going to function as more than just a money making ploy for City Hall?  I mean seriously.  I doubt I will notice an appreciable difference in the number of bicyclists on the sidewalk after these proposed laws go through, nor will I notice an appreciable increase in the number of bicyclists who actually observe traffic laws.  Maybe I’m cynical, but I’m not wrong as often as some seem to think I am.

The reality is that the laws won’t do much besides encourage the ever confrontational relationship that bicyclists and motorists have with one another here.  You won’t see anything actually change until there is a little bit more courtesy extended on the road by both bicyclists and drivers.  Yeah, there are plenty of holier than thou, self-righteous assholes riding bikes in this city, many of whom are fitting squarely into the camp of “heh heh, dumb cunt deserved to get hit by a bicyclist who couldn’t be bothered to slow down when approaching a stop sign.”  Those guys are assholes.

But at the same time, it’s an attitude that’s born from frustration.  This city is scary as shit to walk in some areas (like right around 9th and Wharton, at Pat’s & Geno’s, where I’ve almost been hit by tourists in mini vans on multiple occasions), let alone trying to ride a bike.  I get the feeling that most of these bicyclists, no matter how dickheaded they ride, have developed this attitude because they have been almost killed while riding their bikes around here.

Regardless of your opinion on bicyclists in Philly, just because some, many, or even most might personally be assholes, it doesn’t mean that the proposed laws are decent ones and it doesn’t make it right to milk money out of a seemingly citywide hated group.

* According to the first link, “cyclists riding on the pavement or wearing headphones while riding would each face a fine of $300. Currently, the fines are, respectively, $10 and $3.”  I’m not sure certain that this is correct.  I see signs all over 9th street claiming that the fine is $250.   If I’m wrong, I stand corrected.

** Whoops!  I flaked out and forgot that tokens cost $1.45 each.  All of the numbers in red were edited when I realized my mistake.

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1. Let’s start with the depressing: Afghanistan General Stanley McCrystal sees no indication of an al-Qaeda presence in Afghanistan.  So, could we maybe, GTFO or is killing brown people too much fun?
2. Sheldon Richman of the Foundation for Economic Education discusses some of the problems with raising tariffs on cheap Chinese tires.  I liked this quick synopsis a little bit better than Reason’s.
3. Here is some information about why Philadelphia is broke.  Most of the commenters are fucking brain donors, so don’t bother reading.  Note, there are no confirmed cop firings in that article.
4. Can Rihanna even remember the World Trade Center collapse?
5. In neato news: the New York Times does a small writeup on bento boxes.  Despite the fact that it makes me sound like a Wapanese asshole, I fucking love the things.  They are so cute!
6. In fucking “duh” news: Rob Miller isn’t the only one who has raised $1M for his congressional bid.
7. Abortion is a medical procedure, therefore, I expect it to be covered under my health care plan.  Instead, Obama is not going to cover it, presumably because pro-lifers don’t want their tax money going towards abortion.  Too bad that morality doesn’t extend to elective procedures like surgical starvation, which I’m assuming will be covered.
8. Apparently, Tila Tequila was assaulted, allegedly by her boyfriend.  I won’t be following the story too closely, because I’m sure the interwebz have been buzzing with “she was asking for it”esque statements because she’s Tila Tequila.
9. In much less irritating news: enjoy this short blurb from Chow.com about the “lobster boom.”
10. In “at least it involves a cockface getting pummeled news”: Main Line Animal Rescue (based out of DC), will be donating 5 bags of dog food to a DC based animal shelter for every time Michael Vick is tackled during the Eagles’ October 26th game.
11. It’s getting chilly out, so have my favorite knitting tutorial site.
12. If you’re wondering why I don’t support the whole Tea Party thing, CNN can hand you a ton of reasons.
13. In a similar vein to link #11, it’s getting chilly out, which means it is almost my favorite season ever: PUMPKIN SEASON!  SHAZZAM!

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1. A Michigan woman is suing a judge for forcing her to remove her hat hijab in court.  According to the 3rd Circuit court, “Judge Callahan and the court have the greatest respect for spiritual practices and all religious preferences.”  Maybe I’ll test this by getting into his courtroom and refusing to swear on a Holy Bible.
2. Toyota recalls almost 100,000 Toyotas and Scions due to a braking malfunction in ice.  I’m sure this is making the Buy American crowd’s panties tingle.
3. Cash for Clunkers resulted in higher prices for non-clunker trade-ins and will likely result in higher car prices over the next two months. Well, now, I’m certainly happy the Obama administration cares about poor people.
4. Hey, didya hear that Teddy Kennedy died? Predictably, mourning is drawn along partisan lines, as Democrats/liberals slobber all over the man and brush NCLB under the rug, while Republicans/conservatives won’t STFU about Chappaquiddick.  Libertarian Boyfriend and I are thinking about changing the phrase from “beating a dead horse” to “beating a dead Irishman.”
5. Abdul Baset Ali al-Megrahi‘s release from jail is already being questioned.  No blood for oil!  No blood for oil!
6. I’m still Team LiLo, which is why the LAPD needs your help in figuring out who broke into her home.  God forbid they engage in actual police work.
7. I have been looking for the list of the rights the ability to marry grants you.  A friend of a friend popped with this information.  No, I can’t understand why any gays wouldn’t want universal health care.
8. In “good to know” news: a graffiti artist with ALS is able to tag via “eyewriter.”  Huh.  Neato.
9. In other celebrity deaths: Dominick Dunne, crime writer of the stars, outlived Teddy by 6 years.  Suck it!
10. June 2009 unemployment rates for metropolitan areas. Good thing Philly is under 10%!  Oh, my bad
11. In wtf news: Robin Starr, the CEO of the Richmond Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, baked her dog Louie in the car.  Let’s see if she loses her job over this.
12. In utterly predictable shit: Chris Brown is a wife beating asshole and the February attack on his ex-girlfriend Rihanna was not the first incident in his past.
13. Considering that Whole Foods’ stock recently closed at it’s highest point in the past year, I call “bullshit” on the assertion that WF’s brand perception has dropped significantly thanks to a bunch of dingleberries on Facebook.  It bears mentioning again, but folks, boycotts only work if you actually gave the company your money to begin with.  Otherwise, it’s a bunch of douchebags who are continuing to not shop at a store; the only difference between today and two weeks ago is that you now somehow think it is a political move.

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1. A Malaysian model has been sentenced to a caning for drinking a beer at her Singapore hotel. The law prevents Muslims from drinking alcohol.  Yay for religion!
2. Holy shit: a cop was actual fired for being a douchebag.  Don’t worry, no one was tased and no dogs were shot: they simply asked a waitress to pose with a semi-automatic rifle, though I have complete confidence that if she were tased and her dog was shot, the cops would be penalized to the fullest extent of the law.
3. In other Fuck Da Police news: “Help Wanted: Intelligent Folks Need Not Apply.”
4. People regularly cross the US-Canada border to get adequate health treatment, but not in the direction you probably think.
5. Thus far, a total of 81 banks have collapsed.  Yay for bail outs!
6. In unpredictable, sensationalized news I’m fucking sick of: Michael Jackson is still not in the ground.
7. In more totally unpredictable news: a cop car got stolen from the Fern Rock section of North Philadelphia.
8. In in the most unpredictableist news evar: Israel prevents foreigners from entering Israel if they are visiting the Palestinian Authority.  Well now, that certainly improves relations between Israel and Palestine.
9. Some Peruvian dognapped puppies were found…dissected in a lab.  Some idiot decided to categorize this as “odd news,” implying that it rarely, if ever happens.
10. Regardless of whether or not walking the streets of Detroit to get kids back into the school district is a good idea, you’ve got to give Robert Bobb’s perseverance should probably count for something.
11. Open carrying assault weapons at Obama health care protests…the Right’s version of flag burning.  I’m not saying it should be illegal, but I am saying it’s pretty retarded.  Despite how well thought out your message might be, it is instantly transformed into “LOOK AT THE IDIOT CRAPPING ALL OVER ‘MERIKA!”
12. What was that about using government resources to prove that the government should be trusted? Yeah, something tells me that might be a little counter-productive, not to mention FUCKING CREEPY.
13. The naked and mutilated corpse of a busty blonde reality tv star who likely wasn’t starring in “World’s Brainiest Blondes” was found stuffed into a suitcase.  Her body was identified by a serial number from her breast implants.  I’m sure that Keith Olbermann will have some repugnant, misogynistic shit to say about her murder.  Certainly, her being labeled a bimbo means she deserved some Holly Maddox shit.

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